Lessons Trauma Teaches

The days can seem long right now.  Nights for some, can feel even longer.  Some people can’t sleep and some are sleeping lots and some are stress eating and some have no appetite. This can be a bit of a scary time for some people. Many are feeling trapped and isolated and unsure, so very unsure.  There is so much information, so many opinions.  What is really happening?  Well, I have my doubts that we, the royal we, you and me and the rest of the unwashed masses, will ever really know.  What we do know is how it feels for us. 

If we come from a place of trauma in our lives, sometimes how we experience things can feel very different.  I have heard the expression; we are all on the same sea however we are certainly not all in the same boat.  Who we are and our life experiences and how this may or may not be impacting us financially and emotionally, can be quite different.  Not imagined different, not perceived different, actually different.

What a pandemic and isolation and confinement can quickly show us, about ourselves and others, is that this can be a very different time for many people.  If we are someone who has lived with some degree of wounding from trauma in our life, this can be a button pusher.  As in Whack a Mole grade button pushing.  As soon as we deal with one button, another pops up and there is that old sledgehammer trauma wanting to take a swing again.

There is a long list of things to concern ourselves with, if we are so inclined.  There is the virus and the isolation and social distancing and financial impact and what about Bill Gates and 5G and is this a hoax and are we all doomed????  Ya, it’s a pretty long list.  I know for me, if I let myself go down that path very far it gets me overwhelmed pretty quickly.  I like to stay in the here and now and with what I can personally control, as much as possible, pandemic or not.  It is just a healthier place for me to be.  There are many ways to gain information and much of what I learned in my life came from the nasty little “Professor Trauma”. 

Trauma comes in like a summer university course and packs as much information it can into a small window of time.  It may be an event or a series of events or a lifetime of experiences. 

It is efficient.  It is clear and ambiguous in Its’ lessons all at once.  One thing it is not is vague. 

Trauma is cunning, precise, and concise.  Most of all, trauma is a liar.  At minimum, trauma is the drunken guy in the bar that tells us a story about this fight that happened.  Except, the thing about that drunk guy is this, no one that was there ever saw anything close to what he saw.  There was one guy and that guy’s friend that stood by and did nothing from all other accounts.  In that drunken guy’s story, he rode in on horseback, kicked open saloon doors and single handedly took down 5 guys that had done some horrible wrong and if there could be a damsel rescued in the midst of it all, well, better still.

And, trauma doesn’t need to exaggerate and twist stories, the stories on their own are horrific enough.  Still, trauma doesn’t stop there.  It wants to drive that terror home.  It has a job, to change us, forever, to haunt and taunt and have us doubt everything we will see or do or speak or hear, for the rest of our lives.  It is very good at that job.

Trauma distorts facts, not so much in the event itself, rather, going forward.  Trauma says, this can happen anytime, anywhere, by anyone, to anyone.  And though there is some truth in that statement, it is typically exaggerated and taken out of context.

Trauma wants me to believe, that there is no safe place, that there are no safe people, and that there is no way to protect myself.  That it can take me back to that moment whenever and wherever it wants to. Trauma is a bully with a very long reach.

Trauma holds time captive.  Trauma creates a space where it feels like it can make things happen at any time and that there is no way to stop it.  That anything unpleasant will likely go on forever.  Trauma can make us feel trapped, confined, taken hostage, in the simplest of tasks or experiences.

Trauma teaches us to think ten steps ahead.  To take most any experience to their absolute worst possible outcome in our minds.  Trauma shows us that things that we could not have imagined or that others could not have imagined, not only can, but do happen.  We know now, it could happen again, and it becomes very difficult to not live our lives from that place.

If you think you know what is going on inside the mind of a person who has lived through a traumatic event such as a violent attack, a rape, an abusive past, combat, abandonment, severe dysfunction, and the list goes on; let me assure you that the likelihood is that even with the most healed and open person healing from trauma, you likely do not and cannot imagine the barrage of what ifs, swirling inside.

With all of that, it is important to remember the things that trauma is not.  Trauma is not a god.  Trauma is not some fortress with no entry point, no weak point.  Trauma, even trauma, has limitations.  Like all bullies, trauma works best when we are running and hiding and fearful and distracted.  Trauma needs us to be willing to listen to the stories it tells us in order to keep us trapped.  I promise you, there is a way out.

I wish I could tell you that there is one simple path to take to escape from the clutches of this cruelty however that has not been my personal experience.  For me it has been a series of changes and choices and consistency.  My journey has taught me that trauma and Its’ effects are patient and willing to wait if we let our guard down.  Like any other wellness regime, it requires time and commitment and a clear decision and plan.

I have used many forms of healing to get to a place where I have freedom from the impact of trauma.  I have used counseling and prayer and god and healing prayer and pharmaceuticals and education and healthy eating and exercise and talking with others who understand, long talks with friends over tea and wine and putting away all of the crap and expectations of what I should do and find a way that I really could do and all are wonderful and all have been a piece of the puzzle in my recovery.  For me, no one thing was “the thing”.  …..All of it though, were part of my story, part of my journey in finding my out some very dark moments in my life.

During this time I am spending my time writing my book on trauma and forgiveness and healing.  I am drawing on my personal experiences as both a person who has experienced trauma and my years working as a Disability Case Manager, Counselor and Minister, with others who have experienced trauma.  It is a bit of a wild ride I have to tell you.  I started the book before a pandemic and it is interesting to me how all of this can feel especially working on a book that has me looking very deeply into my past and working with others and talking about how all of this feels for different people.

What I am seeing is that there is hope.  Yes, there are challenges, absolutely, and mostly, there is hope.  I am not working now, since my brain injury; in fact, it takes me days just to write a blog post as I have challenges in processing things and re reading is what slows me down the most.  It is okay though I am finding my way.

I want to provide some links in case anyone would like to reach out to anyone.  I have created a world where I have many resources and even in a pandemic I have friends and other supports that I can reach out to if I need to.  I don’t know if you do or if you are interested in that.  I thought I would provide a few links for mental health support for anyone who might find that helpful.  If you are struggling right now, I hope you will reach out.

World Health Organization -   Healthy at Home

Wellness Together Canada

CrisisCentreBC