Mother's Day and Nurse's Week: I Miss You Mum

Blog day 2

Mother’s Day and Nurse’s week: I miss you Mum

Mother’s day, a day that brings smiles and tears.  Shame and Pain and joy and hope. 

A day of precious moments and love lost. There is no one way, right way, proper way, real deal way to do Mother’s day.  Some people are just trying to get through it.  Some are rejoicing.  It’s all ok in my mind; we do what we need to do.

I think of my Mum and all the years I spent wanting her, watching her, judging her, needing her, avoiding her, missing her, loving her, caring for her, laughing with her, crying with her, drinking wine with her, playing cards with her, singing with her, arguing with her, going on road trips with her, cooking and cleaning and canning and planning and dreaming and sometimes scheming.

The mother daughter relationship, often misunderstood for many.

The hole left in the space she once occupied, is cavernous, never to be the same.

I am grateful for our Mum.  She was a treasure, a jewel. She was lost and found and wild and refined.

Things I believe now, know now, deeply know now, and are so much clearer.  I loved our Mum so much; however, I could not have known the depth of that love, until she took her last breath.

Maybe you have experienced loss like this, maybe not yet.  I am not sure, what I am sure of is this, for me; there is finality in death that brings things to such clarity that there is no way to know or describe it until that moment.  That was my experience.

Death is so final.  We know that, right?  We know that it is final and that there is no more and that all things are over in that moment and yet somehow it is still a surprise.  A shocking truth that gives no space for second chances and if only and oh, wait, one more thing.  It is finished, whether we are ready or not.  An important reminder to not waste time, to cherish every moment with the ones we love.

Our Mum, if you didn’t know her, oh, I wish you for you that you did.  She was so funny.  Like, so very funny.  Mum was hilarious, right to the end. She had the quickest, rawest, most sarcastic sense of humour ever.  One day years into dementia having its' nasty way with her, we were out for the day shopping and going for a drive, one of her favourite things to do and she said something to me and I said, “Pardon Mum, I didn't hear you.”    Well, without skipping a beat Mum said “Never mind, I was talking to myself” and then gave me a sideways smile and said “And it was the best conversation I’ve had all day.” 

This was the same woman that I had just taken shopping for boots and when we got from the store to the truck I asked her if she would like to put her new boots on to keep her feet warm said “Boots, what boots?”  She couldn’t remember that we had just spent the last hour in a store shopping for Ugs for her to keep her feet cozy, but oh but she didn't forget how to deliver a zinger.

I took my time writing this on this Mother’s Day week and nurses week, they came at the same time this year. I wanted to savour Mum by myself for a bit.  I am really missing her right now.

It is nurse’s week and Mum loved being a nurse.  Being an RN was something she was so proud of and so very good at. 

Mum worked her last 17 years of nursing at Riverview Hospital, in mental health.  Mum would tell the story of a man that a bunch of staff were trying to sedate and how she told them to leave and walked in calmly and sat down beside him and said “You know, they are going to give you this shot, right?  If you will let me, I will give it to so you don't have to deal with them all over you, would that be ok?”  Of course he let her, her patients always knew they could trust her.

There were times when Mum used to bring some of the female residents home on weekends, to spend time with our family if they didn't have family themselves that would bring them home for weekends when they were getting ready to be released.   She said to me “They need to get out of there to remember who they are, right now they think they are mental patients, if they don't spend some time away from there, that is who they will always believe themselves to be.”

Mum knew intimately what abandonment and rejection felt like.  She didn't complain about it, she did her best to make sure others didn't feel it.

Mum also loved being a Mum.  She loved us kids.  She was a single mother and times weren't always so easy for her, she did her best and that was grand! 

Mum was a person that had your back. She always did things for people, she didn't just ask how they were, showed up with a shovel when you got yourself in a little too deep, and didn't talk about it later usually, just helped you fix the mess.

She was always proud of us. She was our biggest cheerleader, greatest teacher, best friend and confidant.  You could tell Mum anything and she wouldn't be mad, she would just help you figure out how to fix it.

Mum had 5 kids, 9 grandkids and 12 great grand kids; the 12th was on the way when she passed away.  Due on Mum’s birthday, Audree Danger was born a few days later.  Yes, they actually gave her the best line ever on the day she was born, you know the one; Danger is my middle name. Oh how Mum would have loved that!

 Mum loved being a Nana and she was exceptional at it.  She taught her grandbabies how to play cards, scratch and wins, bingo, go on road trips, sew, make crafts and that they should become nurses. And for the record, she was right about that. Mum was there to see her great grandbabies too and she loved us all well.

My Brother Byron’s daughter Lacie and her husband David were married in Edmonton and asked me to come and officiate the wedding.  It was such an honour and a beautiful day.  My David (as I refer to him as we have a few David’s in the family) and I took Mum to the wedding and we all stayed and visited for a few days.

 Mum had a wonderful visit with Byron his kids, her grandkids, Lacie and Stevie and Tricia.  When we got home Mum didn’t really remember going to the wedding or to Edmonton or on a plane or any of it really.  It didn’t stop her from being who she was though.  She asked me “We went to Lacie’s wedding and that is my granddaughter?”  I said “Yes Mum” and then she said to me “Were we close to each other, Lacie and I?” I answered “Yes Mum, very close.”  And then our beautiful Mum said “Well I am really glad I went then, because that probably meant a lot to her.” 

Dementia took her memory, but it never took who she was, she was still Mum.  She still adored her grandbabies and it mattered to her that she was there for anyone who it would matter to them, that she was there for. For all of her favourites. 

We were all her favourites, each of us.  And we really were, she had a way of making sure everyone knew they were her favourites.  And we really were.  Have you ever met someone like that?  They just have a way about them that make you feel like you are so special to them?  Mum was that person.  It feels so good to be loved by a person like that.

Mum loved to sing and drink wine or Kahlua on the rocks and dance and rejoice in life.  Even in the end with Parkinsons and Dementia, when she could barely walk we would dance.  We have a picture of Mum and I dancing.  And just like when I was little and did with Dad, her feet were on my feet as she couldn't do that anymore on her own.  Our dear friends, Malcolm and Carol were over and as always Malcolm had out the guitar and being our own portable juke box he was singing all the old favourites Mum loved. Mum was probably 87 at the time and we laughed and sang and drank wine and danced while Mum corrected Malcolm on any lyrics he messed up.  It was a wonderful night and one of many great nights I remember growing up with Mum.

Mum had a group of friends, all nurses, and they would hang out at our place.  I can tell you that if your Mum is a nurse, like our Mum was, you're going to know a lot of nurses that love to drink wine and laugh really loud till very late!  And it is ok, you can sit up with them she won't try to make you go to bed in fact, she'll keep you around as part of the entertainment, so be prepared!  I have so many great memories of those beautiful souls.  They worked hard and their time off was full of lots of laughs and as Mum would call them “Jokes you can only tell other nurses”

Mum was brilliant!  She truly had a brilliant mind.  Long after retirement she still read everything new coming out in the nursing articles.  She loved to do crossword puzzles and any kind of puzzle really.  “Use it or lose it” she would say. Mum had a computer as soon as they came out and got the internet when it happened.  She was the only resident in her complex care home she was in when she had to move from our place, to have the internet.  Mum would be googling things and chatting with people from all over the world.  She would often say things like “Today I played canasta with a lady from England, or Texas,or where ever “  She just loved that. Dementia felt especially cruel with someone so brilliant.  She never fully lost her sparkle.  She would peak out of that haze, every once in awhile.  Moments I was very grateful for.

I wanted to introduce you all to my lil Mumma.  To celebrate her on Mother’s Day and Nurse’s week.  To share about her life a bit and the life of so many mother’s and nurses.  They are a truly rare and special breed.

Thank you so much to all the nurses out there!  I know so well some of what you all give for us.  Especially now, in this difficult time.  We see you!!  Thank you!