Well this is getting a bit much, eh?

Maybe you are like me. My stories never seem to begin, in the beginning. Rather I seem to realize somewhere in the middle of a story, that I am actually currently in a story or experience or whatever this is and now I need to somehow go back, to the real beginning, to get to where I am now, so we can somehow arrive at where I intended to take us to in the first place. Clear as mud? Great!

So, to start all of this, let me just say, that I have been travelling for a very long time along a road for freedom and healing and to understand and unravel who I am and why I am the way I am. That has taken several decades. I have had counselling, prayer, healing, studied several modalities of counseling and healing methods and worked as a Disability Case Manager, a counselor and a minster; and I am pretty grateful to be able to say, I may not be perfect, but friend, most of me is pretty fabulous these days!

I have sorted a few things out. Forgiven things I thought were unforgivable. I have arrived a a place that I didn't even know was possible and I have been an absolute warrior and the hero in my own story. I was just part of an amazing collection of stories with some really fabulous women and that book went to best seller and inspired me to continue what I had started a long time ago. And so, now here I am ready to write about my personal journey through forgiveness and the healing process and then, this...The Zombie Apocalypse as I have been referring to it.... Talk about testing what I think I know!

I don't know about you, but I am finding this whole Covid 19 thing a bit stressful.

Stressful, now there is the understatement of the century. Here we are in the midst of a pandemic and it seems half the population is terrified and hoarding and the other half is wandering around as if there is nothing happening at all.

And the energy and the fear moves all around us like an invisible wave, crashing and swirling. We can't see it with our eyes and still everything in us is so acutely aware of "it"...whatever it is.

These are the times when it matters, really matters, how able we are to look inside and understand exactly what is our stuff, our fear, our insecurities, our challenges, real or imagined; and what is the energy or feelings we are picking up from others.

We all know it, we walk into a room, and we have just arrived at our friend's place for dinner. Nothing is said, everyone is smiling, but the tension, you could cut it with a proverbial knife. You can feel it, right? You can tell they were fighting. The energy is palpable. Even though they are carrying on as if nothing happened...you feel it. Now, imagine this, a world where millions of people, all at once, are terrified. How could we not feel that? We have our own fears and imaginations, absolutely, and then, we have the tsunami of anxiety and terror that crashes over us through an invisible teleportation. And if that was not enough, there is Facebook and Twitter and Instagram and then news and fake news and opinions and conspiracy theories and your favourite uncle and a friend of a friend that knows someone and...

It. Is. So. Overwhelming.

And now, it is important, so important, to step back and take a breath and sort out what is real, what is now, what is a trigger of a fear or a trauma from our past and begin to do some very serious sorting and sifting.

I didn't always have the ability or tools, or the skill set to do that sorting. I can tell you that if this whole Covid 19 experience had happened 10 or 20 years ago, I would be in a very very dark place.

Maybe you are now, are you? If you are struggling...first, I want to say that I know it is hard, really, really hard...

It feels like it will swallow us whole...

It feels like there is no way out of this completely all consuming madness that seems to be taking over the world...

And, if you are feeling as though you are being consumed; that this is all too much to process. Here is something to consider. Is what you are terrified about real? Is it actually happening right now? Is it possible, that at least part of what you are dealing with is more as a result of a trigger? Is it possible that what makes this, right here and right now, so so difficult, is that it reminds you of a time you were out of control? Or feels like there is no way to navigate...that it is going to take you over or your situation over?

Does it maybe remind us of a time we had no say in a situation or event or experienced an abuse or trauma and all of this, this whole trapped in our homes, afraid about money and our health and our family and our friends and we have no way, no way to do anything about it...

You see, just typing those words, those feelings, my shoulders tense, I breathe a little shallower and quicker. My mind, races. Right there, I am participating with this chaotic overwhelming energy or feeling or spirit if you will...

I let it in and it plays with me.

So what can I do? One step at a time, I figure out what I need to do. Small steps. I am a person in recovery with a brain injury and PTSD and I want to be sure that I don't go to a place where I am fearful of using my wonderfully creative imagination against me, instead of for me, and with me. Me PRE healing...Unraveling down a very dark path of blaming and distrust and fearing all of the worst case scenarios.

Instead, I make a list. A list of what is very real and tangible int terms of my challenges and fears. I look at what is real, actually happening or could and I systematically look at ways to face those challenges. And I go from there, I reach out to friends. We zoom or Facetime or text. I avoid opinions on social media. They are not facts they are feelings and fears and not helpful at all in these times. I look for things that will uplift me. Plant a garden, clean out a closet, journal, pay attention to my thoughts and question them.

Just because I think it or believe it doesn't make it true.

Now more than ever critical thinking is important. Kindness is important. Thinking on whatever is good and pure and lovely is important.

So, really, what is one more batch of blueberry lemon muffins between friends? I mean, I have leggings...what could possibly go wrong?